We want players to feel safe asking questions, exploring new solutions, and making mistakes as part of their learning and self-discovery process. Most players want to same opportunity as their teammates, for example the starters, to make the same mistakes without being benched or take out in games right away. Give athletes the time to figure things out and grow. This encourages creativity and enables them to play freely and learn without fear of making errors.

Winning teams can handle more assertive coaching because their success provides a buffer against the intensity of training and competition. Developmental teams that don't win as much may lack confidence and resilience to absorb harsh coaching without becoming counterproductive. When players are giving their best effort and not seeing results, constant criticism can erode morale and fracture the team chemistry. Instead, be patient, stay positive, keep teaching, and celebrate the small victories to build momentum.

Emphasize Communication & Positive Reinforcement

Girls often thrive in environments where communication is clear, encouraging, and constructive. While boys may respond differently to direct or blunt feedback, female athletes often benefit from positive reinforcement and specific, actionable coaching (e.g., “Next time, focus on pressing over the net on your block” instead of “That was a bad block”).

Understand Confidence & Self-Criticism Differences

Research shows that female athletes tend to be more self-critical and may hesitate to take risks compared to their male counterparts. Coaches should work on building confidence by encouraging athletes to embrace mistakes as part of growth and take ownership of their skills and leadership on the court.

Recognize the Importance of Team Dynamics & Relationships

Female athletes may prioritize team chemistry and social connections, which can greatly impact performance. Coaches should pay attention to team culture, address conflicts early, and foster an inclusive, supportive environment that values teamwork over individual stardom.

Adjust Motivational Strategies

Traditional “tough love” coaching methods don’t always work the same way with girls. While male athletes may respond to challenges with aggression, female athletes often perform better when motivation is built through trust, encouragement, and purpose-driven leadership. Understanding each athlete's motivation style—whether they respond better to personal challenges, group encouragement, or constructive feedback—can make a huge difference.

Consider other Differences in Training

Female athletes have different injury risks (e.g., higher rates of ACL tears) and unique physiological considerations that should be factored into strength training, conditioning, and recovery plans. Additionally, mental training, stress management, and emotional intelligence should be emphasized alongside skill development to help athletes build resilience and confidence both on and off the court.

Coaching volleyball is a journey of continuous learning, where mistakes become invaluable lessons. Recognizing and addressing 'toxic' behaviors is essential for fostering a positive environment that promotes growth and success. While sports are a meaningful preparation for life's lessons - like toughness, resilience, fairness, grit, teamwork, communication, etc - that doesn't mean that they should be delivered in a toxic or harmful manner. 

The sport itself -- the games, training, teamwork, competition -- are where the majority of learning takes place for young athletes. They are trying to build skills to play the game at higher competitive levels as they grow.  Young athletes are learning to relate to teammates, adults, officials, and more. Coaches lead, teach, and set high expectations, but should not be the cause or reason a player hates, quits, or leaves the sport. Examples of behaviors that are toxic can include: threats, sarcasm, exclusion, silence, and more. Below are some concepts on how coaches might avoid or reduce the risk of 'toxic coaching.' 

Setting Expectations with each player and as a team

Setting clear, realistic expectations is foundational. Coaches should communicate goals respectfully that challenge athletes while remaining attainable, ensuring motivation without unhealthy stress or anxiety.

Choosing Your Words - giving feedback

The language coaches use profoundly impacts athletes. Saying something like, "Stop! Hey!!! I told you, you can't do it that way! If you don't you won't see much court time." This is a threat and offers no strategies for learning the actual skill. Coaches are there to teach.

Specific feedback, framed positively, encourages improvement. For instance, suggesting, "Next time you block, consider adjusting your timing this way....," or "The next time you're in defensive position, remember to...." or ask the player "How do you feel about that play?" Let them own the answer and learn.

Saying 'Next time' offers guidance without discouragement, and speaks of a future opportunities, giving the athlete a chance to think about how to recover. They also won't perceive that you think less of them. Giving encouraging, specific feedback is how educators are able to see a visible change in behavior from their students. 

Verbal threats, no feedback (giving up), vague comments (e.g., "good job, that's what I want to see," or "not good enough!"), and sarcasm are not efficient methods used to teach or motivate people, especially young athletes. 

Fairness

Equitable opportunity fosters trust. That doesn't mean athletes deserve equal playing time. Avoiding punitive measures for some athletes vs others, like immediate benching after a single error, is a prime example.  Coaches are expected to provide players with opportunities to learn from mistakes, which is crucial for development. 

You are the hired adult and the professional entrusted with shaping these young people.  Athletes want a chance to prove themselves. Conscientiously work to control emotions and remember that you are a teacher.  Allow athletes to have the opportunities in practice and matches to do prove themselves. Parents and players will know very quickly if they aren't being given the same opportunity to make the same mistakes their teammates get to make. Find ways in practice and matches to give everyone a change to grow. Your words and actions, whether good or bad, make it to the dinner table.

Drills

Utilizing running or other physical activities as punishment can create negative associations with training. Instead, drills should be designed to reinforce skills and resilience, promoting a love for the game. Volleyball fitness can be incorporated in better ways, like warm ups or dedicated fitness sessions.

Pressure

Coaches must manage their emotions to model composure. Developing emotional intelligence helps in handling high-pressure situations, guiding athletes to remain focused and calm during competitions. A mistake an athlete makes should not feel like a personal insult to you. This is their journey. You are facilitating the learning.

Personal Behaviors on the bench and in timeouts

Toxic behaviors, such as throwing equipment, yelling, making threats, or displaying angry silence, erode team morale. Coaches should be able to maintain professionalism, offering concrete strategies and support athletes rather than use accusations or negative outbursts. Your demeanor should be calm and professional, in both practices and matches. Show your athletes the face they need to see.  Remember, parents and officials are watching and discerning how you act around the athletes. 

Timeouts are an excellent opportunity for team unity and inclusion. Parents and players notice when only the starters receive attention, special treatment, or discussion during timeouts. 

Allowing Toxic Players to Get Their Way

Addressing negative influences within the team is crucial to maintaining a strong, cohesive unit. When toxic players are allowed to dominate, team morale suffers, making for a long and challenging season. Coaches must establish clear codes of conduct and address issues promptly to foster a respectful and supportive environment.

Toxic players often make negative comments to teammates, sometimes outside of a coach’s earshot or outside of practice. While they may be highly competitive and assertive in drills to secure playing time and wins, their behavior can create division rather than unity. Coaches with a “win at all costs” mentality may overlook these actions, mistaking aggression for leadership. However, in the long run, athletes and parents value trust and meaningful relationships over short-term victories, especially at the high school and middle school level.

Toxic players can disrupt matches by snapping at teammates, demanding more playing time, and prioritizing personal success over team goals. In the heat of battle, it's a shame if the other players on the court are worrying about what a bully player thinks of them, when they should be focused on the next play.  Coaches must recognize these behaviors and take proactive steps to guide players toward a team-first mindset.

Learn, change, grow

Sometimes coaches don't realize the emotional (or sometimes physical) damage they are causing an athlete. It's important to gather feedback from players at team meetings or individual meetings. Coaches are expected to be cognizant and sensitive. Encourage openness and honesty (again, the words you choose builds trust). Gather feedback from parents in surveys or discussions about their athletes. Coaches should not avoid parents - it's a red flag for parents and can erode trust in your ability to work with their athlete.

By embracing self-awareness and committing to positive coaching practices, volleyball coaches can cultivate environments where athletes thrive both on and off the court.

The Playing Time Dilemma: Balancing Fairness, Development, and Competition in Sports

Playing time in sports is one of the most debated and emotionally charged topics for athletes, parents, and coaches alike. The challenge lies in finding a balance between player development, fairness, team success, and ethical coaching practices.

Training vs. Playing Time

Many families invest significant time and money in training, private lessons, high school careers, and club teams. It’s understandable to expect that effort and financial commitment to translate into playing time. However, sports are competitive, and earning a spot on the court often comes down to skill, effort, and team dynamics—not just financial investment or time commitments. Coaches, athletic directors, and club directors should set clear and fair expectations when it comes to playing time at the beginning of the season and reinforce their policy with consistent action for all players and their parents. However, most young athletes who love the game just want to play. If they are on the team, they should play and contribute in matches, not just practice.  But there's more to it...

The Balance between Fairness and Communication

Every young athlete—regardless of background, socioeconomic status, health challenges, or initial skill level—deserves the opportunity to grow. Middle school and high school coaches play a critical role in fostering an inclusive team culture where all players feel valued. While equal playing time may not always be feasible at competitive levels, equitable opportunities for development should remain a top priority. A good example of this is time on the court or in drills during practice. In many cases, most parents care more about their child's emotional and mental health than a W-L record. While high school sports desire success, coaches are challenged to recognize that how they treat players will matter more than how far the team goes. However, we do play the game to win...

The Importance of Clear Communication, Fairness, and Optics at the HS level

Athletic directors and high school coaches often navigate difficult decisions regarding roster structure and playing time. Such decisions should be made with very careful consideration, ensuring transparency and fairness while also maintaining team cohesion. Since many high schools are public schools with taxpayer dollars funding the sports teams, parents anticipate that these strategic conversations are a priority for the athletic department. 

The Complexity of Playing Time in Club Volleyball

Playing time in club volleyball presents its own unique challenges, as all players usually pay the same fees to participate. However, factors beyond equal payment influence playing time, including position, opponent strength, tournament stage (pool play vs. bracket play), injuries, mental and physical readiness, teamwork, attitude, skill, and overall performance in practice. Parents and players must recognize that coaches and club directors make playing time decisions based on a variety of elements that extend beyond financial investment. Plus, everyone likes it when the team wins, so this is a motivating factor. This should be very clearly communicated by the club director. 

'Paying to train' is a common philosophy in club volleyball, wherein the elite players see the majority of the court time in tournaments. Communication up front about this philosophy is very important, even before tryouts.  It may help if coaches communicate with the athletes individually as well. The challenges for coaches remain high, they need to determine who is on the court based on several factors, like the strength of the opponent, the mental game required to win,  whether it's pool play or playoffs, etc. Again, this needs to be clearly communicated and consistently executed at all age levels. Parents need to understand that this can take multiple tournaments (months) to sort through, especially considering that players are often ill or injured.

Prioritizing Development, Inclusion, and Communication

Regardless of the setting—high school or club—coaches must strive to provide meaningful growth, development, and playing time opportunities for all athletes. Consistent, transparent communication with both players and parents is key to managing expectations and reducing frustration. While competition is a central aspect of sports, it is not the sole priority for most families. For many, the joy of the experience—watching their child develop, contribute to a team, learn, and enjoy the game—is just as important as wins and losses. After all, they are just kids. Coaches who prioritize both player development and clear, open communication will not only build stronger teams but also foster a lifelong love of the game.

Avoiding Emotional Harm in Playing Time Decisions

Withholding playing time as a form of punishment or control can have lasting emotional consequences for young athletes. Singling out one or two players from a 12 to 18-person roster—whether just for a full tournament day or an entire season—without clear communication about their role and development can be detrimental to their confidence and long-term health. When athletes and their families perceive unfair treatment, it can lead to frustration, disengagement, and even long-term disillusionment with the sport. At the high school level, particularly in public schools, coaches and athletic office policies must make mental health a priority. This doesn't mean that every kid has to play every game. Nor does it mean that there should be equal playing time. Equal playing time would cause very frustrating dynamics and lower standards for the sport itself. 

Females quit sports and physical activity earlier than male athletes. If the W-L column is the most important responsibility for coaches, then participation in sport should be the second priority. As professionals and mentors, coaches must take responsibility for fostering a positive learning environment through thoughtful communication and inclusion.  Encourage athletes to stay active and love the sports. A lack of empathy in this regard can be considered neglect and can even lead to emotional abuse, and athletes who stop playing. With training, communication, and conscientious discipline, and emotional intelligence, most coaches can avoid these scenarios.

The Role of Communication and Development

Coaches should ensure that playing time decisions are grounded in constructive feedback and individual growth rather than personal bias or punitive measures. Providing players with clear expectations and specific areas for improvement helps create a culture of motivation rather than manipulation. Consistent, supportive, specific feedback during practice is favored over scathing written reviews or one-on-one consultations with the coach. Conversations about playing time should not be avoided or left to interpretation; instead, they should be proactive, honest, uplifting, and focused on development.

Equitable Practice Environments Matter

Playing time dynamics begin in practice, where coaches must create structured, inclusive opportunities for all players to develop their skills. Coaches should never leave playing time decisions up to the athletes themselves—such as allowing players to dictate drills or fight for court time in an unstructured, competitive manner. Young athletes, particularly those in high school and middle school, are still developing their confidence, self-advocacy, and emotional resilience. In environments where only the loudest, most assertive players secure opportunities, quieter or more reserved athletes may be unfairly overlooked.

Coaches must recognize that high school athletics, particularly in public schools supported by taxpayer dollars, exist to provide educational and developmental experiences for all students. The role of a coach extends well beyond winning games or divisions—it includes fostering an environment where all players, regardless of personality or confidence level, have equitable opportunities to develop their skill, feel like part of a team, and earn playing time. Creating a culture of growth, fairness, and respect ensures that athletes not only improve but also develop a lifelong love for the game.

Fairness vs. The Drive to Win

In youth and recreational sports, fairness should be a priority, ensuring all players have opportunities to gain experience, build confidence, and develop a love for the game. However, as athletes progress to higher levels, competition naturally becomes more performance-based. That said, the pursuit of victory should never come at the expense of ethical coaching, team cohesion, or an athlete’s mental well-being.

While wins and losses may feel like the primary measure of success, coaches working with high school and club athletes—who are still developing physically, emotionally, and mentally—must recognize the broader impact of their decisions. This doesn’t mean that a player struggling with mental health should automatically be given a starting position, but it does mean that coaches have a responsibility to foster a supportive environment. Creating inclusive drills, structured practices, and open conversations about roles and playing time helps ensure that every athlete feels valued, even when they are not on the court. A player should never feel invisible to a coach.

Coaching the bully child and/or bully parents

Coaching a bully on your team, especially one with a bully parent, is challenging but manageable with the right strategies. The main challenges include addressing the negative behavior without alienating the player, navigating parental interference, and maintaining team morale. This may take administrative support. Some parents use their connections or reputation to get what they want for their child. 

Effective strategies include setting clear behavioral expectations, maintaining consistent consequences, and fostering empathy through team-building activities. Open communication with the player and parent is essential, emphasizing the importance of respect and teamwork. This may take a conversation with the athletic director, granted the parent is willing to meet. Establishing a supportive environment where positive behavior is recognized and rewarded can help shift the dynamic, ensuring a healthier experience for the team and the player involved. Remember, coaches are teachers. We need to find a way to teach the desired behaviors. 

Finding the Right Balance

The most effective coaches strike a balance between competition and development—rewarding hard work, fostering skill growth, and making strategic decisions that benefit both the individual athlete and the overall success of the team. Athletes and parents should approach playing time discussions with a growth mindset, recognizing that success in sports is not solely defined by minutes on the court but by overall improvement, teamwork, and resilience.

At the end of the day, sports are about much more than winning. They instill perseverance, discipline, and the ability to work toward a common goal—lessons that last far beyond a single season. Players will remember their coaches for the rest of their lives - not just for how much they played but for how they were treated. Even when an athlete receives limited playing time due to team needs or skill level, a great coach ensures that every player is actively developing, gaining confidence, and feeling valued as part of the program. While no coach is perfect, and it's rarely possible to please everyone, coaches are awarded the privilege to make their best effort toward this endeavor.

The landscape of coaching is evolving, with increased emphasis on fostering positive team environments and building confidence in athletes. However, a growing misconception is that "gentle coaching" should mirror "gentle parenting." While positive reinforcement, encouragement, and relationship-building are essential, coaching is fundamentally different from parenting—and it should be.

At Volleyball-U Training Clinics, our approach aligns more closely with that of an educator: structured, goal-oriented, and committed to helping athletes meet benchmarks and expectations rather than allowing permissive or lenient attitudes to take hold. Coaching should be firm, fair, and encouraging—not simply "gentle."

Key Differences Between 'Gentle Parenting' and Effective Coaching:

1. Expectations vs. Exploration:

• Gentle parenting often allows children to explore their own paths with minimal pressure. Coaching, however, requires setting clear expectations and holding players accountable for their development.

• Example: A parent may let a child decide when they are ready to try something new, while a coach ensures an athlete is working on fundamental skills whether they feel like it or not.

2. Consequences vs. Corrections:

• In parenting, natural consequences are often emphasized over direct correction. Coaching, on the other hand, involves real-time feedback and adjustments to help athletes improve.

• Example: A coach won’t simply say, “You’ll figure out your overhand serve when you’re ready.” Instead, they will break down the mechanics, guide repetition, and set clear goals.

3. Emotion-Focused vs. Performance-Focused:

• While emotions matter in both parenting and coaching, a coach’s primary role is skill-building and performance enhancement. Emotional intelligence is incorporated, but not at the cost of competitive and technical development.

• Example: A parent may comfort a frustrated child by telling them it's okay to try later. A coach acknowledges frustration but encourages persistence: “I know you’re frustrated, but let’s focus on what’s working and adjust from there.”

Effective Coaching Language: Detailed, Affirming, and Encouraging

Effective coaching is neither harsh nor passive—it’s direct, supportive, and intentional. Below are examples of strong coaching feedback that uphold high standards while building confidence:

✔ “Your footwork on defense has improved—great job staying balanced. Now, let’s work on reading the hitter a half-second earlier to get even quicker reactions.”

✔ “I love how aggressive you were on that play! Keep attacking the ball, and let’s focus on getting your approach timing even sharper.”

✔ “Your passing platform was strong on that last dig—keep that angle consistent. Now let’s get your shoulders squared up so you can be even more in control.”

✔ “That was a great serve under pressure. Now let’s focus on placing it to a tougher spot on the court to make their passers work even harder.”

Coaching Must Be Challenging, Not Just Supportive

At Volleyball-U, the coaching philosophy is rooted in education, accountability, and skill mastery. While we value encouragement and relationship-building, we do not subscribe to a “gentle coaching” approach that sacrifices expectations, discipline, and progress. Our role is to push athletes to reach their full potential—not to simply make them feel comfortable.

By setting clear benchmarks, providing real-time constructive feedback, and fostering both resilience and confidence, we ensure that every athlete grows—not just as a player but as a competitor and a teammate.